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Male/Female Team Mediation: Why it Works

There are as many differing opinions regarding team mediation, as there are mediators. However, I would like to offer some insight from the perspective of a mediator that solely does team mediation. Moreover, I provide the female side of the male/female team.

Team mediation works because it provides perspective, creativity, and finally a level playing field.

Perspective:
Male/female team mediation does not mean it’s a boys against the girls scenario. However, there is no way that my partner can really see through the eyes of a mother and a wife. Conversely, I could never fully understand the role of father and husband. Therefore, by having a team, the divorcing couple can rest assured that the each perspective will be heard in a safe environment and considered into your agreement.

After every session that we have with a divorcing couple my partner and I spend considerable time evaluating, assessing, and considering each side of the situation. This is an opportunity for us to go over "What if" scenarios, or "What about this" issues. This enables us to always make sure that perspectives are analyzed and considered.

"Having a male and a female mediator was so helpful! The perspectives presented allowed both of us to feel heard. There were such good thoughts and ideas presented from both mediators. This was invaluable!"
Sherry A.

Creativity:
It’s been said "Two Heads are better than one" and mediation is no exception. It only stands to reason that two people can offer more suggestions and possibilities for problem resolution than just one.

We are able to bring to the table the experience that we have from subsequent divorces. With the experience that both of us have, it’s unlikely that there is anything that can be thrown at us that we haven’t seen before.

In addition, when we do team mediation we include experts in tax, finance, mortgage and business to join us in offering information and solutions. This is provided at no extra charge and gives couples solid information in making decisions today that affect their futures.

"Having two mediators gave us so many different ideas that I had never thought of! I guess when you’re in the forest; you really can’t see the trees. I loved their ideas, they were great. Having the experts come in saved us thousands!"
Rick K.

Level Playing Field:
This is probably the most overlooked but most important area of mediation. There is an extreme amount of anxiety and possibly mistrust that is generated at the time of a divorce. Making sure that neither spouse overpowers the other with emotional or financial control is critical.

Good mediators can ascertain each person underlying interest verses their exterior positions and address that interest while keeping the playing field level.

No one wants or likes to be taken advantage of. It’s a mediator’s responsibility to help make sure both parties are being fair and equitable with each other. Having two mediators helps ensure that this can happen. When there are inconsistencies in dialogue, what one mediator doesn’t catch, the other one will. At which point the mediator will be able to draw attention to a possible power play.

"Having both Dave and Jackie was the best thing we did. It put things on even ground which was what was needed to make this mediation process work I always felt comfortable and never felt any bias."
Saundra M.

My partner and I look at each mediation as a life experience and not just an a series of appointments. Therefore we provide a complete package that only a male/female team can provide.

As only one side of the team, I can offer some insight as to what my role and function is during that experience.

First off, I establish a level of trust with each party. I sincerely want and need to know the dynamics of what brought them here. That is not to say, that I want to rehash over what was said and done in the past but rather, what they want their futures to look like and how that differs from the past. I like to know about the children. What ages they are, what activities are they involved in, have they been informed regarding the impending divorce? With questions I ask I begin building a profile so that my partner and I can be of service in each area that they need. For example, if we find that one of the children has a learning disability, we can then address that in the parenting plan and make sure that those needs are considered and accommodations provided

Sometimes, my role is to provide support to my partner. By this I mean that as he directs the mediation and keeps the verbal dialogue proceeding. I am acutely aware of body language. I listen intently to verbal and non-verbal clues that may need to be brought out and addressed.

For instance, if we are discussing alimony I watch and listen closely to each party to determine the level of willingness or unwillingness. Perhaps there seems no resistance on the part of the husband to pay alimony but when an amount is mentioned that exceeds his expectation he may be hesitant to verbalize it for fear of polarizing his wife. He then will become fidgety and may make the comment "I don’t know how I can even pay rent now."

My partner and I often will call a caucus. This is where we ask for a short break to either visit with each spouse individually or to talk between the two of us. When my partner and I caucus, we have an opportunity to assess how the mediation is going and give input to each other without the couple there. This is a time that I may make my partner aware that the husband seems to be O.K. with the idea of paying alimony but my sense is that he is stuck on the amount and we need to direct the course of the session on the amount to be paid.

One mediator does not have the ability to handle all the aspects and dynamics of a mediation session. Simply because there are two divorcing people and only one mediator.

"I was so comfortable with both of you. Even though at first I was really scared. I found out that there was someone who really could see each viewpoint and someone to help us put our thoughts and feelings into words."
Heather C.

I am ardently an advocate of team mediation! I’ve seen it work time and time again. The positive response that we get from pleased and grateful clients is overwhelming. Without exception, our client evaluations bear out that team mediation really works.